Words and Phrases I Find Myself Using and Avoiding, with Kid

September 2025

Reading time: 14 mins

Article Table of Contents

Introduction
Page 1, things I do and do not say [to kids]
- how I compliment
- things I say
I do not say
I say instead
I solicit & treat with warmth:
Another page of notes:
How the ‘why’ questions sometimes go
- Food things with kid
- Misc
Additional Reading
Footnotes

Introduction #

As is common for how I write these posts, this began as a few pages of paper notes, collected across weeks and months.

This is a list of words and phrases and sentiments I find myself using around Eden, and a list of some words and sentiments I never use around Eden.

I noticed, for instance, that I don’t say ‘nice work’ or ‘good job’, and many, many other people DO say those things in the face of many aspects of any sort of accomplishment.

I’m much more likely to say something like:

“that looked cool”
“that seemed like it was tricky”
“whoaa!!!!”
“was that interesting to you/did you find that to be difficult?”
“i see you!/I saw that!”

I intentionally don’t say good job or nice work.

When explaining it to someone else, I’ll say something like:

Capitalism already runs the world in so many ways, I prefer to not let it further intrude into such special emotional space as ‘delight’ and ‘interestingness’ by saying a child is ‘doing a job’ or ‘doing work’ when they’re experiencing some unrelated aspect of the human experience.

Often enough I thought of these in pairs. Something I do say has a corresponding common phrase that I do not say.

Here those notes, in the order in which I wrote them:

Page 1, things I do and do not say [to kids] #

I don’t issue commands. I try to not interrupt. I don’t say:

“good job”, “nice work”

I say:

that looked interesting!

was that tricky to you?

I try to not center it being about me validating her. Her validating herself, for sure. And sometimes even more, making the comment be more about taste, interestingness, awareness.

how I compliment #

(the choice you made/thing you exhibited) seems:

reflective of a refined awareness or sensitive taste.

inherently interesting

funny

laudible

things I say #

mmm
hmm
oh, that is interesting
oh, that is interesting
hmm, [thing they did] looked tricky.
was that tricky? (balancing on rocks, one foot, jumping, catching something, throwing something, riding a strider bike in a certain way.)
I usually say ‘tricky’ instead of what might be called ‘difficult’ ¹
was that interesting to you?
you looked so smooth and controlled doing {something they just did}
oh? what do you like that it/that/them?
what do you notice about it/that/them?
that took such balance!
you used such strength!
you kept at that for a long time
I feel that way too sometimes
you keep yourself safe!
thank you for helping keep yourself safe! ²

paying attention to tripping hazards, wearing a helmet when on the bike, not bumping into something or falling off something, ensuring there’s not food in the mouth when jumping or rolling around on the floor

thank you for helping me help you be safe!
you help you stay safe (listening for cars when we’re out and about on foot/jogger, holding railings when going down stairs, reminding me to bring shoes for her to ride her strider bike later, holding my hand/staying close when crossing roads or slippery/slip/fall-prone surfaces)

Say the following things when they are true, and find ways to make these things true when hanging out with kids.

that is a great idea
I’m pleased to help
thank you for letting me know that
I wish we/you could do that
maybe, some day, exactly that thing will happen!
I’d love to do something like that with you some day (riding horses, eating dumplings, many things inspired by what she sees others do, IRL or movies)

[another page of notes]

I do not say #

because, because I said so
compliance countdowns. (“one… two… three…”)
say ‘please’, say ‘thank you’
any form of language or grammar correction. ³
be careful, stop, come here ⁴

I say instead #

thanks for letting me know?
how is this? (food, the size the food has been cut to, temperature of water, the selection of an item of clothing)
good idea
you’ve got great taste
I easily use labels for things that work for her. When she says ‘lets go to cheese park’, I know exactly what she’s saying, and I call it cheese park. I don’t say ‘do you mean cheesman?’ or ‘I think you mean cheesman’. I use my own language skills to help reach towards whatever it is she’s trying to express, and then often-enough confirm with her that I’m understanding what she said.

I solicit & treat with warmth: #

expressions of interest
curiosity, observations, introspection (she once said, when 3 years old ‘i used to not have so many words, but now I have so many words’. She was referring to things as far back as when she was 2, remembering when it was harder to communicate with me/other adults)
guidance & instruction (‘i need water’, ‘i need the bathroom’, ‘let me up’, ‘put me down’)

I might comment when I see a skill or interesting decision. I think kids experience beauty via interestingness. ⁵ So, in the same way some people might look for or note beauty (sunsets, people, a tree) I look for and note interestingness.

“what skill you have”
“I see you moving so fast, jumping over things, spinning, balancing. wow.”
“wow that looked tricky”
not ‘good job’, but ‘hmm, i see so much fastness, quick turning, smooth movement. You seem so focused and graceful.’

Another page of notes: #

Not exactly phrases, but…

I speak well of, and celebrate, my own body/skillfulness, all the time. I do not criticize other people’s bodies or skills.

I dislike being around people who often speak of themselves in critical ways. It’s less common to hear people speak positively about themselves.

I grew up around lots of AFAB people criticizing their own appearance and bodies. ⁶ This is America, that energy is tragically strong, obviously, in many different manifestations. A way that I move to counteract this energy is that I allow Eden to hear how I express appreciation for what my body lets me do (climb, balance, jump, play, move myself and other things around, how it keeps me cool in the heat and warm in the cold) and I express appreciation and gentleness towards it when I feel sore or tired.

I’ll also say things like “I like how I look in this hat” or “I like the look of these pants” or “I like how I look today.”

Wow, my body carried me so far today on my feet, it is quite tired. we walked miles! how cool that my feet and legs can do that.

I speak well of my own skills. Not bragging, simply no false modesty. For instance, sometimes I crash to the ground under a tension board, pop to my feet, and state to myself (or anyone else) with complete seriousness:

That was some damned good rock climbing there.

Or I send something, and I say the exact same thing, with as much seriousness. I often enough direct the same sentiment at others, when I witness it.

why? bc sometimes I do some damned good rock climbing, by my book. If I saw someone else do some of those moves, and they thought well of themselves, I’d never dream of diminishing their accomplishment. So I don’t diminish my own. I’m skillful at climbing, usually plenty of times in a gym session I’ll do a move in such a way that I think “nice, that was pretty good”.

I also have great respect for quality efforts, without any particular results. Trying a hard move 8 times in a row, and I didn’t really get it any of the times? And each try felt full effort, or some subtle body positioning thing was gained? nice.

How the ‘why’ questions sometimes go #

Eden, at three years old, asks why-based questions, often enough. If she’s asking about something, she’s likely thinking about it, so I’ll give her the floor:

She asks a question, I might respond with:

hmm, that’s an interesting question. why do you think that might be?

…I listen to her thoughts…

ah, yes. you’re saying that maybe [rephrase what she said]?

yeah, that could be it. ⁷

Food things with kid #

a collection of norms I’ve noticed with Eden, including food norms from when she was first beginning to eat solids, which started as simply augmenting the nutrition she was getting from her mom. Because of the norms of elimination communication, it was natural to observe her expressions of hunger and thirst. As natural as observing the patterns of elimination.

food is/was always given, either what parents were making for themselves, and/or whatever she could communicate to us as wanting.

Long before she could use words, she could say more, no, and yes, (in that order) with sign language. So, we could present options one at a time, and she could say “no, no, no, more” and get exactly the food that she wanted (the 4th thing in the list), and we could easily sort whatever it was that was needed.

if it’s around, in the house, it’s available to eat.
no rigid eating times. I, Josh, do not eat breakfast, obviously kids usually eat food in the mornings; I get her food when she expresses an interest. Sometimes it’s upon waking up, sometimes not. Sometimes it’s for a traditional breakfasty thing, sometimes it’s not.
some of the unconventional favorite foods that Eden often requests: broccoli, mushrooms, brussle sprouts, asparagus, ‘mustard eggs’, sardines, salmon, kimchi, sriracha, pickles (not olives), almonds. She likes dark chocolate, vanilla ice cream, casadillas of many varieties. ⁸

a little helper lifesaver mat, original size is what I have, and it’s great. Waterproof and very absorbent. helpful for meals, and a nighttime sleeping mat for her, for any night time urination.

Misc #

Eden very confidently ensures that her mouth is empty of food or gum before jumping on/off of things, or flipping upside down. Always spits gum out, if any is in the mouth.
She is intentional about putting her hands out and trying to not hit her head or face when she falls.
happily puts on shoes and a helmet when riding her strider bike. (I love helmets. For me, and anyone else)

It’s easy to embody a collaborative and peaceful energy with her.

Additional Reading #

Footnotes #

I could write a whole blog post about tricky things vs difficult things. Often a difficult thing has a bunch of unknown/hard-to-see patterns to it. But once the pattern is learned, it’s hard to unsee it. Easy example, in the same way that someone can use their hips to generate power inside of a punch, one can use their hips to generate power when throwing a frisbee. Someone who doesn’t know/has never experienced using their hips and ‘hip rotation’ to add power to their limb (be it for throwing an empty hand or a hand holding something) might find some of those throws to be (correctly) quite difficult, regardless of how they power them. Someone who can move power from hips to frisbee will find it sometimes effortless. I always describe these things as tricky. It’s tricky to do, but many things are, and a little practice could make a big difference. ↩
catching herself with her hands when she falls, noticing tripping hazards, being thoughtful and cautious around roads, stairs, when climbing up and down things, noticing things. Emptying her mouth of food before rolling around on the ground or jumping up and down. putting cushions down to soften potential falls. many different potential decisions when riding her bike. This is just a few things from a 3-year-olds perspective ↩
My estranged mother is/was a self-proclaimed ‘grammar nazi’, in both english and spanish. Have you encountered the sentiment, ‘Every joke works because there is some truth to it.’ 😬 ‘Correcting’ someone every time they try to express something, even though you knew what they meant, can become very cruel, and can be used to build a wall between oppressor and victim. This is an extension of: high-authoritarian language, a form of social control, and is common enough in how colonialists replicated themselves onto/into their own/other people’s children. Think the horrible catholic schools that demand endless perfect formulaic compliance from the students, used to break up the communities of native peoples. ↩
I said before, I do not issue commands. I think it’s a big deal, I could give it many more words than just this. ↩
Here’s a coherent case for why many things (more than just people) find humor, novelty, interestingness to be delightful, adjacent to beauty. Driven by Compression Progress ↩
I consider this collection of dispositions and decisions ‘looks policing’. If someone says positive things about your appearance when, and only when, someone else puts on makeup and does their hair a certain way and wears certain clothing, that’s a form of ‘training via neglect’, but it’s identically as dehumanizing as punishing someone for non-compliance. to ‘reward’ behaviors as a strategy is simply encouraging compliance with whatever norm is being accorded to. The thing called ‘evangelicalism purity culture’ relies upon this sentiment. Having survived long enough/well enough to exit the cult I was raised in (evangelical purity culture) I now assess purity culture as rape culture. ↩
there’s a fundamental difference between ‘can something be true’ and ‘must something be true’.

I’m pretty imaginative, so I don’t need expressions to be particularly literal, in order to find lots of potential truth in it. Poetic expressions can be just as true (or even more true) than any other form of expression. Kids speak in poetic expressions more than most adults I know. Eden never encounters a squelching, punishing, shaming energy from me in response to her expressions. She’s not always poetic, but I take her words seriously because they’re as likely to contain something true and reasonable as anyone else’s expression. I know many adults that dismiss/diminish the words of young people, casually, out of hand, because the person is young. I dislike that energy. ↩
I generally can make pretty delicious food, eden loves to eat it with me. I customize things for her, but I don’t think she has a ‘childish’ pallet - she eats spicy things, sometimes, and ↩

Josh Thompson about blog